knowing myself

The view from the window was serene and calm, perhaps the only movement was the realization of the distance traveled by earth around the sun. Except for time everything remained static for that moment. A temple, far away…in between the ground and the sky blurring together in a huge space of colors and shades…of course it is sunset. The flaming sky and the dusky earth penetrating each others territory yet defending it own…

I stay still, scared to move or even blink. I want to see the changing colors, the fight of the bodies and gradually with slipping moments everything is too dark, the dullness of the earth has won over the flaming red of the sky. It is all quiet and silent now. It’s a village in some far away block some 30 kms away from the highway. In that darkness of nightfall, I ask myself what I want for the rest of my life and I feel an urgency to run, my instincts tell me that its time to move on, leave the calm and the silence behind and explore once again the noise and the adulterated world of dream-chasers. The only pinch was I didn’t still have a dream to chase…I have lived in moments flowing with the feelings, not knowing the way or the consequences of it.

Before I leave there is of course the pain of parting, parting from the familiar for the unfamiliar. It’s a feeling of idiocy and thrill, the conflict of saying a yes or a no. The polarities have defined my life and my preference had obviously been very instinctive, without much strategic foresight. My friend once said, take a decision and make it right. But now I know, its important to take a decision and face its consequences and in reality there are no right or wrong decisions.

My attraction to the wild is also reflected in my taste of men. What appeals to me is the indefiniteness of the character. The polarities they constitute of…each men were something that I was not…the magnetism of the opposites and also the mystery of the unknown. Often people say they are thrilled by the chase and after which they are lost…but I have always liked the relationship after the chase is over. The chase is the most formal and superficial phase of any relationship, it’s all about proving and not exploring the find. We don’t explore while we are chasing, the rules of chase are formulated and used in different styles…what is the interesting bit is the knowing of what the other is like, continuing to explore the taste buds, the sensations, the realms of security and the insecurity and finally of accepting. We don’t generally walk up to the limits of accepting with all, but with some we do…