rain drops

whenever i have been sad it has rained,
i m not the rain daughter but still somehow...
all major sad days of my life as i look back have been accompanied by rains

rain drops on window panes...
the thundering of clouds and the continuous noise of water surrounding my being.
i sit here again on a rainy day trying hard to recollect my thoughts...
somehow they seem to be running away from me today,
my fears and insecurities...
my lunatic side all seem so distant and unfamiliar...

in symposiums and academic gatherings,
we often hear them talk about the self
but from a distant third party objective standpoint
what one does and intends are all objectively dealt with
but this is no symposium
and yet i can see myself out of me
i can see what i have done and why!

is it time for me to regret yet...
is it me at all in the first place?
to have done these things with myself,
why is it that i feel so indifferent?
to what has been so precious all this while...
why is the thread burnt beyond repair?
i know this too shall pass but what if this happens to me again...
where is the life that i have known so well slipping away?