some say they are chasing money, some say appreciation, some merely running...but the thought of not chasing anything occured to me lately. loss of ambition or the very notion of not knowing where one is headed can be scary at one hand and extremely self relieving on the other.
scary as one cannot fathom the depths of uncertainties that one is in and self relieving because for a change there is no desire to control, especially time.
someone once told me i want to do nothing and then i thought what a loser. how exactly does one actually do nothing. i mean for common sense purpose one has to wake up, brush teeth, take a bath, eat...etc i mean take care of bodily requirements and then one has to do something to assure the food comes to the plate or the plate goes to the food. unless of course born in royalty, even dead is good enough in case of royalty. but coming out of a middle class boy i found it scandalous.
i often thought work was to keep oneself busy beyond a point...i mean how much can one at the end of the day stare at the stars with absolute no desire to touch them or to write poetry? but then i realised that leisure as and act in itself was beyond hyperactive minds like mine. i mean i will at any given point in time would actually be running away, murdering or even dieing myself in my head even if my body has not twitched a bit. then how the hell was i to understand a perfectly sane, intelligent guy of my age reiterating that he wants to do nothing.
his thoughts come to mind today because i got the news of his death in the morning. and the entire day i have been trying to figure out whether the guy actually died satisfied or not. he actually did nothing after dropping out of college with the exception of leaving home and wandering in the woods every now and then...but was he happy? did he accomplish doing nothing and still manage to live his life in content?
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